"like when i fell under the weight of a school-boy crush"
2002-08-29 7:16 p.m.

an old man touched my butt today.

diary, but i ammmm being mature.

my face wants to stay straight, but it can't. if i hadn't been wearing pants, and if i hadn't been wearing underpants under my pants, and if i had been permitted to attend class that way, well, then i might have actually got some.

i think he's an auditor. or maybe a professor even. i have no idea. the heidegger lecture is way too crowded and even though enrolled, i have no seat. i froze to death sitting next to two open windows (its remarkably colder than it was tuesday) and the noon carillon concert thingy made it impossible to hear anything. the only thing i heard was some discussion about drinking a glass of milk while thinking it would be wine and that such an act would be "unintelligible." but how he got to that point, i've no clue. the nice old man told dreyfus we couldn't hear. i thanked him. dreyfus spoke up but eventually quieted down again. so the nice old man and i totally made out. squished in a 3 ft wide aisle.

okay diary. yea... yea diary. double positive diary. but i must have been 5 or 6 the last time somebody three times my age felt my ass down. so i thought it was worth a mention. no diary, you're the stinker.

what would you like me to talk about then? would you rather every last drop of my heart poured out?

i'll be parched.

micah is supposedly going back to baumholder tomorrow. to turn himself in and get a medical discharge, which i'm confident they'll give him. i hope he goes. he forwarded to me the emails his father sent to him, when his father learned he was both suicidal and awol.

the first letter read:
Dear Micah,
I love you. Your mother loves you. Your sister loves you. If you don't report to your unit, take the Article 15, pay your fine, and do your duty that you swore to do, I never want to see you again. Ever.
Dad

the second letter read:
Micah,
(Second reply on this.) If you don't immediately return to your unit and honorably fulfill your duty, the full four years of your enlistment then our relationship is UTTERLY, ABSOLUTELY, AND IRREVOCABLY OVER. No Christmas, no Thanksgiving, no pool, no trivia, no Uno's, no canoe trips, no nothing, ever. If you shame yourself, your country, your family and me, by being a deserter, I swear I will never ever have anything to do with you again, ever. And I keep my word. If you don't immediately return to your unit, this will be the last thing you ever hear from me. If you don't immediately return to your unit I do not want to ever see or hear from you again. Ever. It is a choice. You must choose immediately.
Dad

it made me sick to read. i didn't know how honest i should be with what i thought, so i told micah that i thought it was sad to know that an army could be more understanding than a father. even though it also made me crazy with anger. i told him it reminded me of creon and antigone. that he got to be antigone. though it was a kind of a really super bad analogy. i hope his father stays out of his life until things get a little better. of course, it sounds as though he surely will.

on a much lighter note, i have free tickets to the state fair this week. which is supposed to be selling, among other products conducive to the growth of adipose tissue, fried candy bars and fried twinkies. so on saturday, i'm taking a bigassed purse to the fair... i'm planning on doing 48 hour fasts, interrupted by a binge and a purge. it makes two days feel shorter, and. i dont know what else to do. i can't just not eat ever again, but the idea of me eating a small but well balanaced meal is laughable. any food i buy meets its fate before the night is over. i can't even keep tomatoes in my fridge.

so i start another fast tonight (tonight's binge was retarded and boring and all the food tasted bad. you'd think after two days, anything would taste good. but fake guacamole still tastes like fake guacamole.) and then on saturday i get a fried candy bar. which could be really sickening. we'll see.

and ben has asked me to go home with him for thanksgiving. thanksgiving... the end all be all for bulimineenea. whatever end all be all means. i think i am going to grill him on the condition of his family's plumbing and the acoustics of their bathrooms. and it means i will have to see his parents. and his brother. i really don't want to see his brother. the kids in kingwood, texas are some of the coolest kids i know of. i.e. they are terribly rich, terribly smart, terribly funny, terribly intheknow. they lie around all day taking drugs and making comedy tapes which rival kids in the hall episodes.

and my mom is too depressed for me to go away for thanksgiving, i think.

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