"alpha desperation march"
2002-09-23 4:32 p.m.

fire, bad. it burns things. do i even need to tell you? holly knew two of the families whose houses burned. or so she says. but holly knows everybody. she's a "facilitator". that's a fancy word for a house wife who has an extraordinarily large vocabulary.

it could have been anywhere though. it could have been a mile east, and my mother's house. there was no reason for it not to be. of course, you can't, well, i can't really go through life thinking this way about potential catastrophes. that kind of thinking just floors me.

you'd think with a big fire in the small rural community of loomis, my mother and i would have a much better chance in the cooking competition at the eggplant festival. you would think that since it *is* eggplant, there'd be a lack of competition to begin with. and in the dessert category there were actually very few entries. we counted only three. being that there are only three places (first second third), we felt pretty confident that we would place with the "cinnamon eggplant sticks" (which were actually edible by me, and i pretty much hate eggplant, so i think it was a pretty good recipe). however, when we did not hear our names called for first second or third, it was evident that we'd miscounted.

on an all too serious note, i had another appointment with adrianna today. she told me the following:
*normal weight for my height and frame is 160. she would like to aim for 144. i am "not allowed" to drop below 128. that's my cutoff.
*i am "not allowed" to exercise.
*i have to keep in the following food every day... 2 egg whites in the morning, a yoghurt and a fruit at lunch, a fruit for a snack, and a veggie hotdog for dinner. i am supposed to up my intake by a couple hundred calories this week. she suggested i add something like 3 cups of carrots a day, since i'm not crazy about carrots and won't binge on them. still i say 3 cups of carrots is a fucking load of carrots. for anybody. except maybe susan dey.
*if i dooo drop below 128, she will recommend that i withdraw from school and go inpatient. (i've read they can actually force you to do this, up to 72 hours initially based upon the doctor's recommendation, and indefinitely if they get a court order.) going inpatient apparently sucks. you lie there all day because they don't want you to burn any calories, and you just get fat. i think a lot of girls look at inpatient care as kind of a validation that they've done a good job in screwing up their eating. i think i look at it like a pain in the fucking ass. the mere suggestion seems ridiculous to me - i do not look thin. or anorexic. or seriously unhealthy. but according to adrianna...
*i am scary to look at
*i have bad kidneys
*i have a bad liver
*i have low blood pressure
*i have a heart that has to overwork itself just to accommodate my standing up. they do this check where they take your vitals lying down, and then standing up. i have about a 30 beat difference, but one particular time this weekend, it was 48 lying down, 120 standing up. i'm not sure why it didn't feel like i was dying or something. it didn't though.

i'm just sick of this. already. i'm sick of feeling pressured to do things. i went fourrrr days without purging this week, and it didn't even matter to the doctor because i'd lost two pounds. 4 - 2 = 2, i still come out on top i think. but it wasn't enough i guess.

i'm just sick of myself. i get to sit in a waiting room among people with broken arms and fevers and black eyes and bloody lips and real actual problems. it makes me feel that much worse about everything. i was a perfectly healthy girl. i ruined myself.

all i want is some goddamn candy already.

i always thought that, by the time any of this actually damaged my health, that i'd at least... at the very very least.... i'd actually think that i looked thin. you know? that's all i was striving for. its not asking so much.

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