"the last broadcast"
2002-10-08 1:10 p.m.

its impossible for me to write an entry today. i just tried to write something for an hour and it was crap. my brain is broked.

what i tried to write about is my waiting for a bed at stanford. not really by choice. kind of a lack of good choice. i wrote about how awkward it might be to update from there, and that i probably wouldn't do it till i got out. and i tried to write about missing both the clinic and doves shows because i was too weak. and had to stay in bed. i tried to write about losing seventeen pounds since school started and how i would stop if i lost ten more because i think i would be happy at 110. i wanted to write about how crazy it is to be upset over the fact that, once i arrived at ben's today, i realized i'd forgotten to take my scale from berkeley with me. and about the guilt i feel for having hidden water pills in my sanitary napkins, just in case i end up needing the pills when i'm at the hospital. i tried to write about how uncomfortable i am, developing this kind of intimacy with my body and my bones. how my ribs are asymmetrical. how new imperfections present themselves to me everyday. how frustrating is it to find yourself unsatisfactory at any weight. how recovery from this could never be more than mere acquiescence.

how i ate some almond joy bites last night, and kept them down. it really felt like i deserved to digest them. oh, what silly things we make of our lives.

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