"the beams we used to build our house are breaking at last."
2002-11-02 8:25 p.m.

and so, with it nearing three weeks, i ended my stay at stanford hospital. with much greater ease than i began it.

yesterday, i decided to go home against medical advice. i signed a paper saying they were no longer responsible for my health (which i'm pretty sure they weren't to begin with) and a paper saying that i waive my right to buy a gun (which i'm pretty sure i wouldn't buy anyway). and i was free to leave. home to my binges and purges and fasts and scales and measuring tapes and various sized jeans.

right now i'm working on my not string bean jeans dryer dried (much much tighter than the usual line dried). i worry i should not have left stanford.... i've purged six times and have been released for 26 hours. my stomach is pooched beyond belief. and i purchased dieter's tea this morning. dieter's tea, for those who are not so disordered or not so poorly nourished as to need it, is senna tea, that is, a laxative tea. it seems like a very momentous event to me, since i have sworn off lax for the past five years. its just in the hospital, they seemed to offer up laxes like they were nothing. one constipatory complaint, and they're suggested... i guess i decided it wasn't as big a deal as i made it out to be. but i've been making bad decisions. i rated my implusivity to be a 7 on a 1 to 10 scale this morning. but i do not intend to hurt myself. i do not intend to hurt others. you can chart me on that.

so this morning, it might have been easy to convince myself that i've made a bad mistake, that i needed the structure the hospital provided, if not the care. when i'm honest with myself, i admit i needed the care more than the structure. i almost passed out yesterday morning, after being faint free for my stay up until then. going from not passing out to almost passing out is not making progress.... and they were only getting more restrictive with my priviledges...and my vitals never improved... and i was still purging in there... and meals were getting more and more unbearable.... and it was getting too comfortable. i never saw more than three feet of myself in length at one time.

it got too comfortable. i liked the meals. planning them out, not preparing them, and not eating them, these three things were my favorite parts of the stay. i gained two pounds overall, lost two in the beginning. gained an n-g tube, lost an n-g tube. saw many incredible people arrive, and saw them leave. i kissed goodbye to three weeks of my life. i wore red lipstick.

but tonight. tonight i enjoyed a half peanutbutter and jelly sandwich while i watched half of the shining (which should never be watched by me) and then read holden's diary (which should always be read by everybody). holden, if you read this, know that you scare me into belief. jerk. diana, if you read this, read holden's diary. holden, meet diana. she's a literary prodigy. she's like 16 and way too spicy to be that age. diana, meet holden. he's like. well honestly i don't really know how old he is, but i don't think he's very old otherwise he would like old people's music.

i think i need to not read holden's diary until daylight saving time comes around again.

i almost forgot. the mountain goats signed all hail west texas:

sarah,
all peace to you in this difficult time.
love love love,
john.

love love love. i can see the windows getting soft.

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