"some enchanted evening"
2005-01-22 1:52 a.m.

i'm bored and rewoken at nearly two am which is a time i'm not often even in bed by. this leads me to doing stupid shit like searching for "dramathighs" online and finding a link to this site. i didn't and would never sumbit my diary there, so its a bit creepy to me. what is creepier is that searching for the name "----", a name whose akwardness i never really overcame, yields links to an 18th century loyalist supporter who was on friendly terms with the iroquois and who kicked all kinds of ass. perhaps its unnecessary to state the obvious, but i have never kicked any kinds of ass.

i'm bored and rewoken at nearly two in the morning by a phonecall from ben whose roommate, tony, is breaking up with his girlfriend, "smokin hot gal", sometimes also referred to as dara. smokin hot gal has lived there a month and has known tony about five weeks. they met on yahoo personals while another roommate, tucker, was out of town. tucker's being out of town was a lucky coincidence because smokin hot gal and tucker had previously dated, and it was during this three day relationship that she was christend smokin hot gal. the relationship, however, ended with a rejection of tucker's request that smokin hot gal become his wife. yet i don't feel too sorry for tucker because on his first day of meeting ben and then seeing me, he had to tactfully and immediately ask the redheaded boy if i had an eating disorder. it put ben in the familiar position of deny deny deny, but its just a bit too obvious these days to effectively pretend it could never possibly be the case.

ben described the break up situation on the phone, explaining that they'd gotten into an argument while out a club, and now smokin hot gal, with four of her friends, were back at the house gathering all her belongings including her food in the fridge. tony was standing by, and over the phone, i could hear a random yelled sentence every now and then. this was until both their voices dramatically raised against each other, and their arms soon followed, producing a single voice which was the sound of his skin abruptly happening upon hers. ben hung up the phone and when he called back, he stated plainly that tony should have gone to jail tonight.

so i'm bored and have been rewoken by a story that's not all that interesting to retell, but still more interesting than anything personal i could include in a diary. i wonder at times why i don't write more. following erin's lead, i have a suicide girls account now, taking the illsuited member name "charmer". and it offers a space for journaling, but the atmosphere doesn't exactly lend itself to the introspection or sentimentality i'm so often plagued by when writing. i previously tried another online diary site, diary-x, which was to be a new beginning, the quickest sort of reinvention in the easiest way possible. but it remains the case that i always reinvent myself as (drumroll please) my fucking self. makes me wonder if i have lived my life before, just to be reincarnated as the same girl. yep, the girl who was first punched in the stomach at four years old by the boy who would become high school quarter-back. the girl who carried a protractor around with her from ages 13 to 20, just in the case that a true life geometry problem presented itself. the girl who, upon the losing of her virginity, did not know that while having sex on her back, she should do anything but lay flat out below with her legs stretched long. i keep being that sad girl, and i keep on writing her repeating misgivings and its tiring. its bores me. it sucks. and i have nothing more to say.

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