slutty with a chance of fuck
2017-05-15 8:47 p.m.

nothing good will come of this one. nothing insightful. nothing almost well written. i will weigh 123 in the morning, if i'm lucky. i ran 27 miles yesterday. i don't even know how this happens to me. i am the only person who gains by running.

i used to set aside time to daydream. it sounds silly, but i did. i'd shorten time with friends, or simply avoid my family, just to go in my room and fantasize about things that ultimately would never happen to me. i would replay these dreams in my head, and if i messed up along the way, i'd restart and replay. yea, i was even a critic of my daydreaming.

i haven't done this in forever. maybe other adults don't do it all? but after steve, i made a conscious decision to avoid it because it was so painful. i suppose because it was so meaningless and impossible. it just left me sad and pathetic.

i ran to the gym at lunch today. it was perfect weather, and i wanted to lie down in a quiet area of the park and let myself dream like this. hedonistic pretend thoughts. i didn't. i made some work calls. i was responsible.

and now home i should continue in that vein. but i'd rather just lie here and pretend for once. maybe cry the weight away. figure out how to fall more gracefully and forward this time. fuck me.

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