love whoever is around to be loved
2017-06-12 6:14 p.m.

i told this fellow i like a lot, who does not like me, to ignore my existence. its a good thing. its funny when you are solidly alone after that though. its comforting. you own the past. its yours to play with and think about and sentimentalize. after they are gone, you can keep people in your heart and hold tight if you want to. you get to decide how and when or if they ever leave. and its not dependent upon when they depart you.

in true lonely fashion, i emailed ben. i think i have emailed him maybe five times since he has left. its not like i feel close to new him. but i forsake the present and the ben i knew still exists somewhere in the ether. this is what i informed him:

I broke my other arm this February. I was having phone sex with somebody I don't know at 3 am at a work conference. I was so drunk I fell down in the hotel room. I knew my I broke my arm but decided just to go to sleep. I haven't been anybody's girlfriend let alone wife. nobody will have me. I didn't have sex for like 4 years. then kind of crushed hard on a man who wouldn't hire me years ago. he writes amazing poetry. if i were to tell me that i would laugh. but i know good poetry. i almost wish his was bad. or that he was not the best in bed. anyway he likes me less than you do. i heard you became all right wing crazy. I cant even fathom. I know you have a girl. I can't even pause to think on that. i selfishly cried a lot. I moved to old Roseville. I like the house. hate this town. I have a few good friends. I'm going to kill myself after my mom dies. shes well though. I got a weed card. I don't know why but just kind of wanted to see if I could do it. it was pretty easy to obtain. I haven't smoked but maybe 10 times in the last 10 years. but the weed now is crazy. maybe its just that its been so long. i have dreams that somebody might like me. that this poet comes into my work and asks me out to dinner. in public. in front of people. and not in a tiny hidden hole where i don't exist. i hate you a lot because its easy to do. you never responded about the rape thing. whatever. people get raped every day. it doesn't have to be in a basement. the warriors are going to win. i bought pixies tickets but don't have anybody to go with. row d. i am so ugly. all that wasting. i can't even look in the mirror. i'm embarrassed by my ugliness. I'm bigger now. 123. i was 10 pounds lighter in spring and my mining jeans fit. remember those? they were the jeans i wore when you watched like the 14 inning baseball game. i think i read war and peace twice. erin is well but we only text. she is living with her 45th okcupid date after brent left. i put one of my dads pistol's to my head every night and pull the trigger. i don't know why i do that. its a totally weird and creepy thing. and it scares me. so i probably will not do that. i can't get the record player to be loud. preamp stuff right. i finally bought a new bed when i moved. I'm pretty sure its me alone from here on out. i have to go to san Francisco on Tuesday for work. i don't know how to drive in the city. i am going to aruba for new years i guess. i don't want to come back. i want to be somewhere else.

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