message received, loud and clear
2017-07-20 7:02 p.m.

after watching oj be way too healthy looking and energetic in his parole hearing, i'm now watching jada smith, or pinkett smith or whatever, speak about her existential crisis after tupac's death.

i called out sick today with an eating disorder. or called out depressed. alcoholic. unlovable. can you imagine calling in sick with these ailments. i wonder what reaction i would get and whether anybody would challenge my use of sick leave.

as sad as i feel, its been a long time since i cried, which for me is probably a couple weeks. maybe since before western states even. record broken tonight, but only a tiny bit. scratch that.

leah took mike hiking with martin. i don't like my world's converging. i don't know why i hate leah so much. i don't know. she uses men. and she's so pretty men that men don't mind. it makes it seem like she matters and everybody matters in a way that i don't. which is a ridiculous viewpoint to take when at heart you don't think that anything fucking matters. oh, and! she's just so manipulative. she tries to one-up you on everything. even depression. and its unapologetic and never with any empathy.

yup, when you manage to tolerate me for two years and become one of my best friends, your reward will be a journal entry about how much i don't want to know you.

what it really boils down to is that i'm no good at being around others. i used to be afraid to be alone. even karin is upset by it now, newly partnerless. she says, "i don't know how you manage." i'm sure anybody who hears that and who has been single forever thinks that is odd. but also kind of appreciates the sentiment.

i'm regretting my commitment to go to some whiskey festival saturday night. you're supposed to wear white.

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