"i had a plan that was built on thinking too long"
2002-08-22 11:48 a.m.

i'm on my way to the record store. sigh. ben made me a lovely cd. very lovely. with new bright eyes, dressy bessy, thursday, umm. the vines cover of only sleeping. and the pretty girls make graves single. so i'm on my way to the record store to browse. i should stay at home. maybe i will stay at home. i decided now, i'm going to stay home.

in that vonnegut interview of the may 1973 issue of playboy that i sent to marie for no reason really other than she's amazing, kurt talks about how ridiculous he thinks it is that people are expected to solve their own problems just by thinking. (i bet vonnegut thinks philosophy is a crock, but that's okay because i bet that he thinks most things are crocks.) he said something like when he thinks about some junkie kid on the streets trying to solve his or her own problems just through thinking, it makes him want to cry. or laugh.

things are not so good today, diary.

micah called last night. he's gone awol. i hate military acronyms. he's gone and its a snafu. i think he's somewhere in germany. at least as of yesterday. i feel sick because i told him not to call me if he didn't go back. it was supposed to be some kind of incentive to return. the tough love angle. but he hasn't called. i didn't even ask if he had a place to stay. should i call his parents? i don't know what to do.

i was just so. very very mad, you know? watching a person, so close to you, destroy himself can flood you with anger. but when the anger subsides, you still have to watch.

he completed basic and infantry training, and spent three weeks at base in germany. he could have applied for an entry level separation (which, as i understand it, doesn't go on your record). but he decided just to leave. because it doesn't really matter to him whether or not his record is trashed. he's planning on spending the money from his bonuses traveling around europe. and when the money runs out, he's planning to end it.

because, diary, that is what spending a week with me does to people. it makes them want to kill themselves.

i really don't want to stay in tonight.

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