"i was as helpless as a chess piece"
2002-09-05 7:04 a.m.

yesterday, we took section outside. the g.s.i. didn't like the classroom. i find this room most unpleasant he said. artistotle taught all his courses outside he said. most people think students would much rather be outside. but it was freezing and the grass was wet, so we had to sit in the dirt. and i wore a khaki skirt with snaps all up the front. i sat down and everything unsnapped. ha. haha. and i couldn't write.

we heard the bell chime and section ended. i stood up and put my backpack on. walked some ten dizzying steps, stumbled like a drunkard, and collapsed into the grass on faculty glade.

my body is such an embarrassment to myself.

a couple people offered to help me. i think. nobody from my section though. ha. haha. i don't know how i feel about ever going back to that section. its nobody else's responsibility to help me. but i would be ashamed not to offer help if i saw somebody pass out. i can't believe i have to go back next week.

when i could manage to, i called ben and asked him to stay on the phone with me while i stood up. i asked him the time and he said it was 10:08. whenever this happens, its usually just a couple minutes until it passes, not seven or eight. i managed to make it to lectures, and after that i went to the heath center.

it wasn't that i felt faint any longer. i'm just sick of having fainting spells. it sucks. i used to be kind of pleased with them, in a romantic way. in a whip-out-your-smelling-salts-boys! kind of way. but its really painful, and its a bitch. and i can never stand up in the front at concerts. and its so not punk rock.

so i told them everything. but i also made a point of saying that this instance was unlike all the other ones. and so asked if they could please not assume that it was a result of "poor nutrition."

they took some tests and nothing. i have low potassium, that was all. the doctor wanted me to come for a follow up, and handed me two slips. i handed the two slips to appointment setter and told her when i was available.

what about monday at 8?
that would be fine.
um, what about the 16th at 2?
well, that would also work.
okay, so we'll see you on monday and then a week later.
why a week later? i was told i needed only one follow-up appointment.
oh well the one on the 16th is the follow-up, the one on monday is an eating disorder evaluation.

and in this way, i was tricked into treatment. by a doctor and her trusty appointment setter.

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