"she's been picking her fights like she knows how to win them"
2002-11-14 6:10 a.m.

as if it was unpredictable, i left rader "a.m.a.". it really sucked. it was far too easy a place to purge.

but i think it really was all about inferiority. my roommate was getting her phd in classics. as if that didn't make her smart enough, she's english, a student at oxford then stanford then berkeley. and english people are just smarter. it was like rooming with the female version of hugh grant. i tried not to use words whose definitions i was unsure of, but it broke my vocabulary in half. sigh. then there was anna from amarillo. 6'2" and possibly the most beautiful girl i've ever seen doing yoga or not doing yoga in my life. there were the other 5 or so people from stanford/berkeley. all beautiful girls, thin but not too thin. yes, too-thinness, a description that, for each of us, can be true only of other people. then there was me pooching and purging.

what is most disturbing is that i left clothing there. clothing that i'd invested in. a lovely thrift store baby blue knit vest, which i had just sewn a washington d.c. button and a cat head button onto. i'd saved the button with the picture of cassius clay because it was too small to be of much use on anything. unfortunately, its still too small.

given the proximity, ben and i really wanted to go to disneyland on the way back. since rader is about an hour away from disneyland, and since toking up on the pirates of the caribbean ride is about the closest i'll ever get to being a real pirate. but it was raining. andrew pointed out that disneyland would not have been much fun for a malnourished girl to wander around in. andrew is very good at. that.

he also is good at leaving me dumbfounded. he finished an email of the loveliest consideration by signing "with love and concern, andrew." then he writes a quick follow-up:

make that closing on that last message simply,

with concern,
andrew

he also mentioned that when i was thrown into the locked ward at stanford, a friend of a friend of his had been in there as well. and that she remembered me. i'm not sure the reason why i was remembered, but the reason i was thrown into the locked ward. well. it was because i went cassius clay on my face.

i figured that if i said it enough, i would convince the world that i really was the greatest.

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