"murder what matters to you"
2002-12-14 6:54 a.m.

today there is heat at ben's. until yesterday, we'd been using the oven to keep warm. which works so long as one's willing to spend a good deal of time in the kitchen. or what has become a kitchen slash studio slash storage area. its crowded with a futon, three guitars, a couple amps, a keyboard, some big black marshall thing that i have no idea what it is, and a catbox. things are picking up for ben. he's going the way of the corporate slut, having interviews with both progressive and etrade on the same day. both band projects are going well... he seems to be happy. and of course, he now has heat.

so it feels like all the shadows in the entire world are cast on me and only me, when i need find a place to live, pack my things, and move within two weeks. when my favorite job prospect is working at a candy shop in old sac. any job in old sac is my favorite prospect because i could do a lot of 19th century pretending. sigh. i'm absorbed in fantasy these days, as my new existence serves only to remind me that i once would be more.

and in the night i just start laughing. i get up to pee and keep laughing. a purely physical laugh, not one attached to any humor. ben asks me to stop but i can't because i just like the sensation too much, contracting my abdominals and letting out gasps of air. he asks whether i'm laughing or crying. i don't know. he asks what's so funny. i say the fact that i'm sitting here.

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every lover loves, first and foremost, an absentee. absence precedes presence in the hierarchical order of things. presence is just a special case in the category of absence. presence is a hallucination protracted for a certain period. but this in no way diminishes our pain.

--roberto calasso

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