"she gave herself away for a moment but no one would take her"
2002-12-30 6:33 a.m.

well. i finally grew balls. except i hate it when people say that because i always picture the literal event taking place and besides, the term balls is just an incredibly nasty but boring one, reminiscent of high school sophomore speak.

you see, i'd fasted thursday, one of three moving days, because finally there was actually something other than tea, hard candy, and artichokes to occupy myself with. i hadn't fasted - a complete day - since leaving stanford. it was a goal of sorts (albeit a twisted, pathetic one), as i'm trying to get my weight down before i go ip... the population of the unit is small and i don't want to be the fattest one. at stanford, my diagnosis was "anorexic, purging subtype". an accomplishment i suppose, but a description that really didn't match me. i felt like a fatass compared to the restricting anorectics there, and to the bulimics, i felt like a poser.

when i fast, i cannot sleep. i flip and twist and turn and sweat and freeze... i managed to pass out for two hours after spending ten on my feet packing, but i woke up that midnight and stayed up. at three, i decided to take the dreaded body shots. half of them came out blurry because i couldn't manage to hold the heavy assed camera steady.

so after nearly a year of posting on the thin forum, i finally posted pics in the photo parlor. (if you're in tf.... its a picturetrail.com album, member name "twoheaded", no password because i live life on the edge just like steven tyler).

initially, it was very very bad. the anxiety over what i had done. i don't think i was in the best frame of mind... it was late (or early), i was bored and obsessed... i didn't much think about it. i just kind of did it. i knew it was the smallest i'd be for awhile... and i wanted to know whether or not my smallest was still fat. i really didn't know what i looked like.

the most depressing part is, i still don't know.

people made nice comments, but fuck people always make nice comments. and even if i could be convinced of others' sincerity, that too can be explained away... oh its merely flattering photo or they simply didn't know what they're talking about.

maybe this is a pointless kind of entry but it really was a momentous event for me. as was leaving the mirror i'd put up at my berkeley studio. i tried to pull it off, but the paint tore from the wall, so i left it. it was the only mirror i ever thought to be accurate. vanity is so amusing.

i returned my key to gary and told him i'd be back in a couple days to pick up the items left in the garage. he didn't mention the $1900 security deposit which worries me and worries me and worries me. i said i'd be back in the fall, and that i would call to see if it was vacant (though doubting that i ever would). ...he wasn't sure what he was going to do with the place. he registered a domain name (yoganow.tv)... and was thinking about turning it into a yoga studio where teachers could broadcast their courses over the internet.

there were so many rushed, gruesome, violent times in there. i kind of like the idea of the space becoming calm.

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