"pull the smile inside"
2003-01-03 6:45 a.m.

suffice it to say, listening to will oldman will wear on you. but he remains and remains amazing throughout. "i see a darkness" or "today i started celebrating again" are your personalized download recommendations for january third. whoever you may be.

i spent yesterday inside and borrowed a lie to avoid lunching with megan and jerry. god did i really? yes i reallyed. i would have sought for words to say and come up echoing the ones said by others. besides, i think they were just as comforted to have me absent. i tend to fall by the wayside in most everything.

i'm happiest when i fall.

because. lets be honest with myself, sarah. i don't want to be out in the world, masquerading as one of the living. i am too fucking scared for that. sure, there are those times when, to my great surprise, life and all its pent up vivacity just flowssss out of me. my jaw drops and i'm holding my own in a conversation. and i am not fidgeting too much or messing with my earrings any more than normal and yes, i think its that i can stand it. but oh the stories i could tell of the few and far between. it seldom happens. instead its those momentary encounters, and momentary panicking that hold me back. i abstract the negative out of every event (no matter how innocuous, no matter how positive) until all that is left is my failure. short coming. rejection. and that window of opportunity where i could have chosen meaningful actions or different words is all but boarded up.

i could kick my agoraphobic ass.

to make me happier ben and dave managed to buy ecstasy for tonight. ben got a mini disco light for christmas and its going to be a party for our ojos.

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