"seashell eyes, windy smile"
2003-03-12 6:38 a.m.

i pick up a fondness for names every now and then. i've been pretty fond of "julia" for awhile... it can take on "julie" or "jules"... and it has the perfect beatles song to accompany it. i wonder if "perfect beatles song" is ever not redundant.

somebody should write a song like that about me. so i can be happy about softness in songs again.

i didn't get the job. i might have been put on hold till june, but i'm not sure. i phoned them since they never notified me. then, the woman called me back to inform me of the june possibility, but i was a sobbing mess by then... which was evident because the woman felt the need to ask: "are you okay?"

i have a scabbed knee. i'm 25. and i have a scabbed knee.

i spent most of yesterday either cleaning or crying. if there was a reason to cry, no matter how removed from me, no matter how empty, i cried because of it. i cried because a boy scout featured on the news had returned a sum of money to a taxi driver. i cried because i felt absolutely insane for wasting tears on crap like that when people have cancers or aids or children who are dying. i cried because some girl in a forum posted something to me that i interepreted as mean.

i don't want to go see tony today and i don't want to do much of anything, at all. ever. except maybe go wine tasting or to the movies. or wine tasting in the movies. because march is altogether too brilliant and i am becoming stupider, duller, with every passing second. it seems like i fold in upon myself which is one of the most painful and most boring ways to attempt life.

i am going to drive a sports car before i die.

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