"somebody said to me that i could be in love with almost anyone"
2003-03-27 5:11 p.m.

i watched eight mile today. i'm truly surprised at how nice marshall looks with brown hair. he looks almost normal. and who knew he could have a tanned thigh? great looking thigh. its kind of exciting. not exactly exhilarating, but definitely exciting. in that "wow ben and jerry's makes oatmeal cookie dough ice cream now" kind of way.

honestly, once i dreamt that i had butt sex with eminem. it was kind of creepy. as only butt sex with eminem could be.

completely unrelated, but still that reminds me, i should probably take a shower today. the day is almost over, though. i wonder if i can hold out until tomorrow. maybe if i change clothes or something, that might help.

something tells me i'm going to get kicked out of treatment tomorrow. which is fine with me because i doubt i'm going back to berkeley anyway. and i'm tired of being told i need to gain weight, and i'm tired of having such a pragmatic therapist. why can't i have a touchy feely zen therapist who has an office with nice lighting and those lotion infused tissues?

this is what my therapy has consisted of the past couple weeks: we talk about how i am scared to do anything. i say how scared i am of summer coming. you see, i agreed to gain five pounds because tony argues that i'm too "malnourished" for any kind of psychological treatment to even be successful. and i'm scared of having to wear shorts again this summer, which i will have to wear as central valley summers bleed heat into you. and i try to say that i don't want to wear shorts because i don't want to disgust people. and then he says "so you have anorexia so you won't disgust people." and then i just want to slap him. i'm tired of being told i have anorexia just because i have a low weight and i purge. i'm bulimic. everybody understand? i vomit up stuff. food is hardly terrifying to me. dirty toilets, on the other hand, are.

so i am thinking about leaving therapy. or getting kicked out, as i hardly ever go to group because group is full of real people with their real lives and real goals still intact and as i am just hovering over a life which promised to be worth living but turned out to be a bore.

even televised war has been boring me. which is so extremely sad to admit.

i have a big bruise along my leg, near my knee. it looks like a japanese eggplant. i guess you'd have to know a lot about eggplant to picture it in your head. anyway, i play this joke where i straighten my leg... sprinkle water, add sunshine... then i bend my knee and watch the eggplant grow. its kind of an inside joke between me and myself.

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