veridical hallucination
2004-03-11 7:23 a.m.

heat is my lazifier. can't really do anything in it. think or just lay awake or even dream properly. last night's dream just destroyed me. i was with my friends. who are no longer my friends really but probably the only people i'll ever really think of as friends. they were all beautiful and our relationships were beautiful and all was ruined by me. i could just tell. in the way i wouldn't allow us to be alone or be silent. in the way i would cling to ben's hand as though he could hold me away, at a safe distance. it was in the way i never held a telephone.

i went to the beach yesterday. it was relaxing and uncomfortable at the same time. i'm not used to the sea breezes or such soft air. i'm definitely not used to going beach barefoot. but my feet learned to fit there again. like when i was little and could maneuver over rocky tidepools without flinching. i was impressed with them. most of the time i spent looking in the sand for small pieces of glass that the ocean tumbled until smooth. little gems. ben thinks they would be good for a mosaic.

the good weather has lasted almost a week now and continues to wow everybody. we never really get a spring in california, and though this is warmer than spring, i think its a fair deal. i took monty out for a total of 30 miles last weekend, and it was such a familiar feeling... to be too warm and almost back to the trailer. it was such a projection... that i have another six months of it being too warm while being almost back to the trailer.

still, i can't bear to enjoy myself. and at this point, i really don't deserve to learn how to anyway. its just gone from me. accept it.

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