girl with the parking lot eyes
2015-10-11 9:03 p.m.

How do you respond when a person unveils himself to you - and what you find is a frightening treasure. So little happens in my life that this is something I fall into thinking about for a couple of days. I'm unhappy about it. My old habits of obsessing about people kick into gear. Even in a platonic friendship. And my habit of being unhappy with myself sharpens.

I weigh 130 pounds. I used to weigh 102. And used to weigh 160 at some point. Too bad feeling sorry for myself doesn't burn any calories. I'm so fucking embarrassed that at my age, my strongest emotion is still the hatred I have for this body. Oh and I hate being wrong. I sound awesome to know.

My 50 miler yesterday proved I am way undertrained for my 100 in a month. I wish I had the courage to quit now.

I am considering giving away all my books. To the local library. Or maybe leave them one by one on park benches, bar tops, playgrounds. Including the signed one by Milosz even though my mother gave it to me and it is one of my only treasures. Because I don't want to be attached to things. Because I give everything with worth away.

I still hate it when men don't ask questions; I don't hate it because it is rude, but because they don't seek to know where I was born, what my middle name is, why I don't listen to music, what I wanted to be when I grew up. which was and still is to be unselfish. which I will never be.

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