once upon a time i had control
2017-05-12 5:08 a.m.

i did and it was infinite. i practiced precision in most things that mattered to me. i regularly arrived to work at seven am. i didn't drink. i called my mother. i counted calories. i counted the calories in my coughdrops. in my toothpaste. but people change a little each day. at some point x plotted on a straight line graph, i started throwing caution to the wind like a curveball. the only problem is that the pros see how it will break, and then i'm fucked. but i'm fucked anyway. my life is fucking myself over played on repeat.

until a tiny moment when its not. and things feel pleasant. a breeze while sitting in the sun. a cold beer after a day running canyons. a horse hand-galloping beneath me. then i realize that my truth, if i ever have one, is that i lack gratitude. i'm selfish. i'm 16 forever.

when overcome with self hatred, i used to tell myself to imagine the five year old girl i was and ask if i would treat her that way. probably some advice i got from some therapist for some exorbitant fee. and it saddens me because, no, of course i wouldn't hate on her. but i know she was never meant to exist. as a young man, her father wanted to be a priest, and she was ultimately conceived despite all precautions to prevent such a thing. so i don't hate on her. but i wonder whether she would have preferred her fifth birthday to be her final.

in related news, i showed up to my meeting on thursday only to find ribbons and small cards placed out with each name tent. the cards informed us that may is mental health month. and the ribbons that you are to pin to your lapel are a color that can best be described as absinthe green.

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