the mountain is so beautiful that we don't know if we're any good at all
2017-05-13 10:43 p.m.

"alcoholics are sometimes described as egomaniacs with inferiority complexes. or to be cruder, a piece of shit that the world revolves around."

success filled saturday. its happening. i'm hoping the slope of sobriety isn't this steep forever. i just need to dry out. level out. find my bearings and push off. i'm thinking about making another attempt at RDL. i really do think it was the lack of iron. before it happened, i too would have asked who the hell quits at mile 75? but my body failed spectacularly on a cellular level.

and then an emotional level. it was crushing. martin would say its the davis kid in both of us. i just want to do great things in some aspect of my life. its not going to be work, family, academia. its not going to be in social abilities, friendships, lovers. no creative intuition is going to develop. the best i can hope for is the ability to not stop. and if i can do this with drink, with food, with fasting, with thinking, with anxiety, with fear... i should be able to do this by just keeping my feet moving forward. my heart pumping blood. my mouth making words.

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