i've given you all and now i'm nothing
2017-05-20 8:24 p.m.

i've had this line in my head for a few days, knowing it was a famous line and hearing it spoken in my head, but i couldn't recall the poem. a simple google search will tell you its ginsberg's america. that's a really fucking good poem.

this is funny to write because i'm a little stoned and never write anything stoned. some people get really fucking smart when they're stoned. not i. my biggest insight was watching football and thinking that it was like watching war with frontlines and so on. not terribly deep.

and then i was stoned when my dad didn't show up to a christmas party because he was quite dead, though we didn't know that. so being stoned and me don't have a great relationship. oh and the paranoia. the best was at a bakersfield motel with ben in our early 20s and some punk kids were tossing pebbles at the window. i thought we were all gonna die for sure.

i flaked on san jose. i made up some excuse. then i told my girlfriends how i felt awful about flaking on this guy. and they all reassured me it was good - trust your instincts - you shouldn't put yourself in that situation. the real reason i flaked is because i was just too depressed to dress up, drive down, and pretend to be interested. i'll be interested in somebody soon enough, i'm sure. it always happens.

in the meantime, i'm grateful to be running with martin again tomorrow. he is like the brother i always wanted. and when we run, it feels like we are mischievous school kids. we joke and talk shit and have no obligations out there. we run long just for the sake of it. 20 miles tomorrow for no particular reason. i wonder about his life outside of running. i've probably spend more time with him in the last few years than i have with any other guy... and i've never even seen him in street clothes.

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