isn't it pretty to think so?
2017-07-10 8:53 p.m.

life is easy. i make it so difficult. its this concept of boredom and disinterest that has really got me. idle hands, etc. maybe this is why i don't let up often. or i drown people. i am just too much all of the time. excessive everything all at once doused in gasoline and lit.

i feel like a fraud in most everything i do that is recognized... at this apprenticeship signing, i spoke with the undersecretary - i can't get over that title - about his daughter who majored in rhetoric at berkeley and now runs a fancy organic underpants line for women. despite feeling quite out of my league as far as conversation, i was natural for bit and made some self effacing jokes, but i'm not sure if the laughter received was just plain kindness. i'm the odd one out in every scenario.

i tried to explain to mike that i run depressed the way some people run cold and always need a sweater. i don't think he understood. even my happiness feels fake. like a second rate happiness.... like when they manufacture a run in baseball, and its not natural, but they force it by some means.

it takes quite a bit of strategy and luck to get me to smile.

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