some distant lateral present
2017-08-10 8:43 p.m.

i know a poeter who wrote a book with this title. i guess i don't really know him. or he would rather i didn't. no dwelling tonight. its a fine title. and i am always thinking of myself in this setting. i don't really think of it as a distant but a neighboring or supplemental present. and of course thoughts go to what if i was a little bit better in that situation. what if i made thoughtful decisions. or if i were sober with unrelenting kindness. but tonight my thoughts go to what if i were even more reckless. which i think i really want to be. not in a traditional sense, no, but in the way somebody ridden with anxiety would imagine recklessness to be if it weren't unsettling to imagine.

i realize i met my first former trans person. in a sense. i mean i have definitely met trans people. but how do i explain this. a really great band, rainer maria, had a sweet cute guitar player who was also the boyfriend of the bassist. and when i met the guitar player briefly at the fillmore a decade more ago, he was a cute, mousy haired kid with his front teeth knocked out from a fight. now he is a girl with rad hair and good teeth. its good. but its sad too.

martin says craig thornly wants to fuck me, but martin is a fucking liar. so scary to think i may never find somebody who i want to have sex with again. i'm just going to start gorging myself on pie. seems the only sensible thing.

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