laying into monday
2017-11-13 8:47 p.m.

stress feels deadly. i'm surprised more people don't drop dead ailed by stress. not conditions brought on by stress like high blood pressure or a heart attack. but i'm surprised people don't simply "stress out" to death. it is really so painful.

some intelligent and eccentric manager at work i had years ago once gave me crummy news, and when i didn't take it well, she called me a catastrophist. i was put off by the comment which made me cry even more. but maybe i am and i wish i wasn't ashamed of that. every few day i think the world is devastating.

other things that i don't want to admit:
1. i'm way too particular when it comes to dating. like there are probably 6 people in the world i would date. this makes me a fuckhead.
2. i'm not particular in any way that anybody would typically anticipate.
3. i think my mom will die within a few years. i don't know why i don't expect her to live to 90 or something. i just don't believe she will. yea.
4. i am not a good person. and i say this with the believe that there are three kinds of people. good people want everybody to be happy. not good people only care if they themselves are happy, but they don't want to be happy at the expense of others. and bad people want to be happy and don't care if its at the expense of others.

i am a not good person. and i have short term aims.

like, i really want this grant to be done and have it be accepted and experience that success. but i don't really want to work on the program that the grant is written for.

i'm gonna sleep

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