you're not really here, that's just the radio
2017-11-01 10:11 p.m.

what scares me the most is that i think that i am a hedonist. in a very true and non-perverse sense. and it bothers me because maybe that means i'm amoral. but if it it bothers me, i can't really be amoral i guess. logic would dictate and shit.

i just suck at doing the right thing if it costs me any amount of happiness, but i feel really bad about that.

maybe its not a desire for pleasure and happiness so much as it is a fear and hatred of unhappiness and boredom. i cannot stand my commute. i went from driving 10 minutes a day to almost 2 hours and it feels awful. it makes me hate the world.

and the philosopher in me who sucks at philosophy thinks that. "ok maybe i'm not naturally depressed, but just hateful." and that depresses me.

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