"all at once you were cause for a pitiful cure"
2003-02-22 7:07 a.m.

tony is my therapist. tony is about forty years old, very direct, and a fanatic of such bands as disturbed, linkin park, ac/dc, and black sabbath (whose music is far superior to ozzy's solo work, or so tony testifies). i actually had to spend the first ten minutes of my last session listening to his walkman and talking about ozzfest.

having said that, tony is a pretty good therapist. i don't float by. its not a "how did that make you feel" approach. tony actually calls his therapy "fuck you therapy". and tony has given me an assignment. i'm supposed to write an essay about fear. take an objective stance first, and then personalize it. i haven't thought much about fear in my life. i recognize it and think about my reaction to it, but i hardly examine fear itself. i don't even know how to begin an essay like this.

i think a good way to start would be to (at least) identify what i fear pretty regularly. which is not an easy thing to do here, given the first listed:

-- i'm scared to write freely in my diary.
-- i'm scared to make phone calls. i suppose the exact fear is that i'm scared of being unable to communicate clearly during a phone call.
-- conversely, i'm scared of incoming phone calls. ben answers every call.
-- i'm scared of chatting online, with "buddies" or in chat rooms. i'm scared of writing emails. signing guestbooks. posting on messageboards or in forums. doing any of these things results in a considerable amount of time spent checking, double checking, deleting, and rewriting.
-- i'm scared of knocks on my door. the only time i will answer the door is when the fear that somebody might know i was inside (and unanswering) outweighs the fear of answering.
-- i am scared of work environments, and so i am scared of working. library clerking appeals to me, not simply because it's a quiet atmosphere, but because it is not a service which people are very demanding of, as it is "free". i have never heard of anybody chewing out a librarian, aside from my father.
-- i'm scared of offending a waiter or waitress by not ordering enough food, resulting in a smaller tip.
-- i'm scared of ordering too much food and looking like sumo wrestler.
-- i'm scared of fancy restaurants.
-- i'm scared of obstructing people's views in classrooms or movie theaters or at concerts. did you see the bands scheduled for coachella this year? (sizable sigh.)
-- i'm scared that i disgust people. for instance, i am scared of wearing shorts because i am superass tall... shorts look superass short on me... and my legs are flabbiness. the last thing i want is for people to look at me and think i'm too fat to be wearing what i what i wear. hence graduating to skirts in the summer. the ones that drop just below my knee are my favorite.
-- i'm scared of colleen. we're very different. i love her to death and i never ever want her to see my mom's house (right near her home) or my apartment. i do not think she'd sit her pristine perfected self down in either. i'm even concerned about roberta visiting. the apartment is the definitive shithole.
-- i'm scared of admitting to myself or others that i don't really have any friends. i'm more scared of having friends than of not having friends.
-- i'm scared that i'm a boring conversationalist. slow witted and vacant at times i should be most responsive.
-- i'm scared of putting money in for a ticket on the city bus. i've never ridden a bus without flashing a bus pass.
-- i'm scared of foreign places. i love traveling, but only to the same kinds of places. i found the entire east coast intimidating.
-- i am scared that doctors think i'm trying to manipulate them or get drugs out of them. (enter dr. ericksen.)
--i'm scared of applying makeup poorly, and this is the main reason i hardly wear it. i wouldn't want to stand out as that girl who's face doesn't match her neck, and so i stand out as that girl who doesn't give a fuck.
-- i'm pretty scared of standing out i guess.
-- i'm scared of being this self absorbed for the rest of my life. i want to think great thoughts. i want better thoughts. instead, i worry these insignificant worries and this is my natural tendency? i got the shaft i think.

there done. wow. this is pretty scary.

< new older former mail book notes profile design host >