"the perfect display of random acts of hopelessness"
2003-07-15 1:31 p.m.

oh the terrible rant entry. the author somehow will fail to respond to any subtle or not so subtle discouragement.

tevis went not great. my horse was pulled and bagged with 20 liters of fluids... i'd always seen horses standing quietly, sickly, with iv's hanging from high branches and thought that their owners must have ridden them into the ground. not so. we came into the check among the last 20 or so of 150 riders. something just wasn't right, he would pulse down to 60 and go back up again.

and so a young prick of a photojournalist took a photo of me while i was crying and stuck it in the auburn journal. i am famous for tears and now my ex has proof.

but a young commerical photographer got a nice shot of spot climbing up out of squaw valley. i'm looking utterly dorky and busting a spandex sag which is really so flattering,hm? for some, probably shady shadow reason, spot looks araby in the head and i wish on this particular day, he would have been moreso.

(also, the main site shows a photo she took from the opposite side... in the background is both squaw valley and lake tahoe... beautiful picture but more difficult to see the horses i guess).

no cougar rock pictures yet - the ones i'm really waiting for.

fought with ben on sunday until the whole apartment seemed to vibrate with pain and everything was caving and crumbling including my mind. so i fell back on fighting with myself, a fight which my head lost and my fist won.

have been sick on and off ever since...my mouth gets numb, my appetite becomes a memory. my temperature drops to 96 and i sweat gallons of water. it happens in a matter of minutes... was supposed to go out to lunch with mom today... got dressed and got my hair did and then couldn't remain standing long enough to look for my lost keys. drove with her two blocks and had to turn back so that i could collapse in the sweat bath of my bed. stupidly called tony crying (i have never called tony except for scheduling issues). can't call the doctor because i need medical clearance to go back to berkeley and i'll be damned if i'm going to start going crazy a month before classes begin.

looking online for horses that stay sound and found duncan's full and pru's half brother, damont. i think dunc is one of the four siblings they list showing amateur f.e.i. and it makes me laugh. dunc also looks four times as pretty, and i forget he's four times as old. an aged anything besides wine or cheese is devastating.

i wish i had more motivation to email those i'm supposed to email. wish holden would come back from the dead. wish gris would unlock. the list goes on. wish a. had a guestbook. wish erin would take me under her wing. la da da. i wish i could stand up and find my keys. wish my dad cared more about the fact that i was crying than getting a copy of what he thinks is a good photo of me crying. i wish angie didn't have downs. wish the sky was not so bright.

--------------------------------

addendum 2:47 pm

yes, that is in fact a pink bandana you see me wearing around my neck. and yes, i did actually wear it while riding through dust. folded into the shape of a pink triangle and tied in the back with a bow. =)

< new older former mail book notes profile design host >